I tried to change. Closed my mouth more, tried to be softer, prettier, less awake. Fasted for 60 days, wore white, abstained from mirrors, abstained from sex, slowly did not speak another word.

A Bike Story

so the end of the bike to school story goes something like this: a fall, a jammed wheel, many tears and a surprising rush of fury that a second before was nowhere to be found. A few fucks flew through my head. Theo, oh Theo, made a poor choice that resulted in said fall. The sun was still shining and the weather was still beautiful but now the day was colored by red hot anger. I walked the rest of the way home, lugging sweatshirts and keys and a bike pump that were so perfectly in my little bike basket before they weren’t anymore. I rushed through a shower and flew to work with the windows down, serving as a sort of makeshift blow dryer for my hair.

Graphic novels for kids

I’ve noticed over the last year or so that my kids are obsessed with graphic novels and comics. They cannot get enough of them. When we go to the library they head straight for that section. I’ve tried to force Little House on the Praire on Evelyn, but right now she’s just not interested. She in particular is drawn to Japanese comics, otherwise known as Manga.

A Christmas tree farm

I’ve been meaning to write this for over a month now. When we make a choice to do one thing, we are saying no to many others. And I have kept saying yes to dishes and laundry and sleep and sorting pile after pile of papers, and work, because I don’t want to get fired. This makes for a temporarily clean house and a somewhat rested body and a few extra dollars. But I’ve said no to creativity.

After 2016

Humans of New York, an Instagram account run by Brandon Stanton, was recently profiling stories from Rwanda, specifically those that lived through the 1994 genocide of the Tutsi population. The stories are tragic and devastating.

To take up space

My youngest child, Sophie, takes after her big sister. She loves to draw. White printer paper and a pencil. That’s what she needs, and it will keep her happy for a good long while.

Theodore and Pollyanna

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are. Theodore Roosevelt wrote that in his autobiography, which I have not read nor do I own. I do, however, have a copy of a biography about him called Theodore Rex, but I haven’t read that either. Yet. I bought it at least three years ago at a thrift store when we lived in Chicago with such good intentions, but it remains in a stack, unknown to me.

On love and pain and time: I had birthed a death

I am sitting in a Starbucks off of Main Street. It is Sophie’s third day of preschool, where she will spend 2.5 hours every Monday through Friday for the next 10 months or so. Let’s just say that that gives me 2 hours to myself, given that I will need time to drop her off and pick her up. So that's 10 hours a week. 40 hours a month. 400 hours over the next 10 months, give or take.